India oye! Pakistan aye!

AHOY INDIA!

Boom!        Blast!         Bhoosh!         Phataak!

India does it again. 5-0 against their arch enemies Pakistan in World Cup encounters.
Did you see the match? Did you see how Sachin played? Did you see Yuvraaj in the field? Did you see Raina handle the Indian innings at the end?

Yes. I did. I am happy. I am ecstatic that the Indian ‘TEAM’ won. But I am not so sure whether to be happy for India.

What!?!? No way man! You don’t even know what you are talking about. I shall leave you to yourself and let you ponder on your own thoughts and get things clear. Ciao

Well, I think I know what I am thinking about. I could be wrong.

Ah. It’s as good as it gets. India winning against Pakistan in the cup finals.

Wait. Was it the finals or the semis? Did India win the World cup?
I felt that when I went out on the road last night after the match. It was a brilliant site. Not because the country’s name was being shouted at every corner of the city but because we were celebrating. We were one. We were exchanging pleasantries with strangers. We had orange and green coloured mithai. The mithai was good. It completely melted on the tongue. Such sweetness. Yummy.
And it was good to see people from both religions rejoicing about how well India played.
Though they did not but what the heck! We won, we go through to the finals and I won’t be surprised if we lift the cup this year.

That’s what India has done. Be an average team with good players but putting an average performance and winning it. That’s what happened in 1983 too.

But let’s talk about yesterday’s match.

Such an uninspired performance, at a point I wanted us to lose. Sachin dropped 4 TIMES. Is this a joke?
India played pathetically. Pakistan on the other hand, no sympathies. You were worse. You were unbelievable.

It was completely fixed. More so after the Pakistan minister’s statement to his team – “I have my eyes on you on match fixing”. What a sweet cover.

If the match wasn’t fixed then Pakistan needs to give up their cricket team status and utilize those 11 men in something more worthwhile. No, I don’t mean terrorism.

First of all, the unbelievable missed catches of Sachin. What? Did you eat too much butter last night and your hands were still oily? And he still couldn’t make his hundred.

Misbah ul haq. Come on! You can’t play like that. Even Sunil Gavaskar’s 150 ball 36 seemed faster than what you did. Look closely how you never even tried to run or place the ball in a favourable position. Boss! You are my MAN OF THE MATCH! I bet the bookies will be at you for making things a little too obvious.

Mr. Umar Gul. My favourite with all due respect. Sir, I can bowl better than that and the last time I bowled was in 1998. My dead uncle can field better than that. And to top it all with a cherry on top, your precious smile! The toothpastes in your country are brilliant. I want a lifetime supply. Who laughs at their own stupid mistakes, SO OFTEN!
Anyways, sir, you are my MAN OF THE SERIES. Congratulations.

Shahid Afridi. No jokes on you. You were brilliant. You were the only one who was putting in an effort and to my amazement; you were also the most spirited guy among the 22 players. The way you joked around and controlled your aggression and smiled at Sachin when he was dropped. Priceless. That was the most touching moment of the match and thank god I was not sleeping at that part or you would’ve been ignored completely. But I want to personally congratulate you on getting thus far in the world cup and bitch about your team members and I would be delighted to invite you for dinner over to my place where my lovely girl will cook us some nice fish and rice while we talk, listening to Sufi music. We can order food if the fish doesn’t turn out palatable. But you get the SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR.

Wahab Riaz. 5 wickets with a brilliant Yorker first up to Yuvraaj Singh. You should be in the IPL. Your performance said it all and I don’t want to ruin it by my words. You get the BEST BOWLER award.

The terrorists (MTV Bakra award) If I were one and sitting next to the Indian or the Pakistani Prime minister with 2 grenades in my hand during the match. I would walk back home. Our Excellencies were just too good. I am sure many who planned to attack them yesterday must’ve thought of them to be a replica from Madame Tussads!
Nice play minister, you fooled us all!

But the BEST OF THE BEST award.

Brilliantly done. It would’ve been better if our neighbours would’ve been a little subtle. We all know Pakistanis aren’t good actors (look at Umer sharif) so maybe next time, give them a little extra to take up acting classes a month before the tournament. Maybe come down to bollywood.
All hail! Money well spent?
Now I know where all of it is going. All the programs and commissions and scams’ money is utilized for us to celebrate. For us to celebrate together and what better way than this.
We people are happy and will be for many months now and other scams can happen just to make us celebrate again once more. All is well.
Ah.
Now we can continue losing matches for the next 30 years.

A True Protest !?

“ANNA TUM SANGHARSH KARO! HUM TUMHARE SAATH HAIN!”

Dekhte hain kab tak saath denge. Jab baap ke dande aur teacher ki maar padegi tab dekhte hain. Aaj to pehla hi din hai.

Arey yaar Kishore, kyon negative soch rha hai. Mombatti pighalne se pehli hi bujha dena chahta hai kya?
Kya karoon. Is janta ko dekh kar to mashaal bhi chingari lagti hai.

Tu bata re chottu, tu kya kehta hai.

Tauji, jo ho rha hai wo sahi hai. Itne log aa gaye, kafi hai. Ab sab aap ki tarah retire to nahin hoye hain na. Aakhir apna pet bhi bharna hai. Aur waise bhi hamare desh mein din din ki mazdoori ke paise milta hai. Kaun apni din ki kamai gavana chahta hai?

Sahi bolta hai? Hum to retire ho gaye. Hamara kya hai, Din mein kuch hulchul hi ho gayi is bahane.

Aur tauji, isi liye india mein test match nahin hote. Kaun 5 din kaam chodkar aayega? Tabhi 20-20 itna chal rha hai yahan. Kaam se aao, saas bahu ke serial ki jagah cricket match dekho, time se so jao aur agle din phir kaam par chale jao.

Ekdum sahi bol rha hai tu chotte. Waise bhi itni mehengai badh gayi hai. Kaam nahin karenge to roti kahan se aayegi. Bhai poori zindagi bhookh hadtal pe to nahin baith sakte. Aur aaj kal to pani bhi saaf nahin milta, khana to door ki baat hai.

Ji tauji, mehengai ki to baat hi mat kariye. Hamare ghar to rs50 ka doodh hi aa jata hai har din. Bhala ismein corruption ka kya lena dena?

Munna to tu bahut bada ho gaya hai. 23 saal mein hi hamari jaisi baat kar rha hai.

Tauji, aap to retire ho gaye, ab desh humne hi to chalana hai.

Arey Kishore, kahan ja rha hai.

Oh andhe kranti kaariyon! Apni aakhen kholo. Yahan agar aaye ho to sirf bhrashtachar ki sunwai mat karo. Us insaan ke liye ladho jo is mehngai mein din ki 1 roti bhi nahin kha pata. Us ma ke liye ladho jo is desh ke har shahar mein bhikh maang rahi hai apne bacche ke operation ke liye. Us kissan ke liye ladho jo har raat khud khushi ke sapne dekhta hai. Us beghar ke liye ladho jiska ghar todh diya jaata hai jab bhi koi videshi mantri aata hai. Us vidyarthi ke liye ladho, jo acche number laakar bhi acche college se nahin padh sakta. Us nanhi jaan ke liye ladho jisko abhi is sab ka kuch pata hi nahin hai aur main ummeed karta hun, ki tum usko chingari nahin magar kranti ki mashaal se raah dekhaoge.

Shaadi kar leta to sambhal jaata. Magar shaadi ke naam se bhaagta hai.

“1-2-3-4, BAND KARO YE BHRASHTACHAAR.”

THIS IS US : On child labour

Topic of speech –  “SAY NO TO CHILD LABOUR.”

Situation – Inter university event in one of the most known university of India.

The first speaker on stage, talks long for the topic. The topic is not new and not much difficult, but his emotion and passion on the situation moves many. He crosses the first time warning. He crosses the second time warning. He ends just a fraction inside the last time warning. APPLAUSE!

“Wah! Kya bola. Tune suna?”

He silently steps down the dais and takes his seat, oozing with confidence of winning this. He is a student from the faculty of law.

Second speaker on stage, surprises everyone by speaking against. The feeling of traitor can be felt in the air. Eyes look on him with distrust. He has done this often and those eyes do not bother him. He is a confident speaker. He feels, by going against the flow he would stand out.
 He walks down with pride, holding good on the questions thrown at him. He takes his seat and falls asleep. He hails from the Faculty of English.

Speaker number infinity invokes one of the two responses. And it keeps going on for 3 hours.

Countless speakers come and go. They always get either one of the two responses.

The event comes to a close.

People get up from their seats and back to whatever they were doing before, nodding at the winner if he happens to pass their way, on with their life at the dhabas.

Shakeel waits for his prime customer, his source of inspiration, his future, his elder brother, bhai.
He serves chai to the oncoming people with a sad face.

Then he sees him, walking tall in blue pants and a white shirt, sunshine on his dark gloomy day.
He serves hot chai in a small cup. The boy has a twinkle in his eye on seeing his bhai and hopes to become an engineer some day and break the chain of working here.

“SAALE CHAI KYON NAHIN LAA RAHA?”, Shouts speaker number 8 at the little boy from under a tree, distraught on not winning a certificate and not being able to show it to his peers.
The little kid obeys and quickly rushes off to get more hot tea. An elder always shouts for your good is what mother told him. He remembers her back in the village tending to his younger 4 year old sister and making food for baba before he comes from the field. He feels light. He plans to call her tonight.

“YEH THANDI HE BHEN****!” Brother gets angry sometimes. There is so much on his mind. He has to study, think about his future, participate in various things, family, stress always gets the better of him.
Shakeel runs to get more tea, this time planning to smile when passing it to him to ease down the tension. He succeeds. The tea is enjoyed with a cigarette.

Shakeel feels complete.

Speaker number 8 gets up. He feels relieved. He feels he can get away with not paying for the tea owing to the rush today. He silently steps down of the dais and walks away flanked by speaker number 2 and 5. They walk with pride.

That makes 3 teas not paid for.

Shakeel looks at them, completely forgetting that they didn’t pay. He dreams of being like that someday. Hair nicely done, shoes, papers in hand, a pen always in pocket. He gets a chill down his spine.
“Lagta hai tujhe seedha karna padega. Chal chai dekar aa bench ke pass”.
He rushes off waiting for the next opportunity to think of him, waiting for the next time he would get a chance to see him. “I wish bhai would wear the black kurta tomorrow. He always looks good in that.”

Speaker 8 starts preparing for the next debate on politics.